Wonder of the World

Jurassic Shark 3: Seavenge (2023) Review


Jim Morazzini

While it was pretty much inevitable that we would get Jurassic Shark 3: Seavenge, I was surprised they didn’t save the title for a fourth film to play off of Jaws 4: The Revenge. But then that film’s so bad even the director of Amityville in Space and Sharkula might not want to go near it.

In any case, Jurassic Shark 3: Seavenge picks up where Jurassic Shark 2: Aquapocalypse left off with reporter Dina Dean (Natalie Himmelberger, Reel Monsters, Alien Surveillance) recapping the fate of the art thieves and the painting from the previous film. 

We also get a replay of the marina owner (Titus Himmelberger, Noah’s Shark, Camp Murder) being attacked by the shark. It’s so obvious that he jumps rather than falls into the water that it’s hard not to laugh. It’s even harder when he turns up later in a wheelchair badly green-screened into the shot.

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Aspiring model Bree (Jada Sanchez, The Fire Nebula) gets a chance to do a video shoot on board a yacht for the show Top Model Tomorrow. That however quickly goes from a dream to a nightmare as the accomplices of the dead thieves, Clark (Tim Hatch, Snow Babes, Amityville Thanksgiving), Boyd (Jamie Morgan, House Shark, Feeders 3: The Final Meal) and Gerald (Kyle Rappaport, Camp Blood 666 Part 2: Exorcism of the Clown, Hell Van) hijack the yacht to go looking for the painting.

Jurassic Shark 3: Seavenge is a Mark Polonia film, he directed it from a script by Bando Glutz (Cocaine Shark, Christmas Craft Fair Massacre) so you probably have an idea of what to expect. But whatever you are expecting, lower your expectations, this is Polonia at his worst. Within the first twenty minutes, there are three different CGI models of the shark on screen, none of which look remotely alike. And they don’t match the plastic toy shark used in other scenes. The toy shark BTW, is the most realistic-looking of the lot.

The film is also padded out with loads of stock footage, scenes from the previous film presented as flashbacks, and Bree posing for the camera. And before you get your hopes up, she doesn’t model anything more titillating than a very chaste one-piece swimsuit, so there isn’t even eye candy to distract us.

Then, just when you thought this couldn’t get any worse, there’s a near endless montage of rescue units looking for the cast. Never mind they’re within sight of shore the entire time and none of the stock footage of the teams matches with each other or the footage of the cast. Then just to really mess with your head, Jurassic Shark 3: Seavenge stops being a sequel to Jurassic Shark and turns into Sharkenstein 2 as that creature turns up and chows down on the Jurassic Shark and most of the remaining cast.

When he wants to, Mark Polonia can make an enjoyable film, but it seems like he wasn’t even trying here. Jurassic Shark 3: Seavenge feels like it was pieced together with scraps and leftovers from other films simply to have something to release. Like the album a band puts out when they’re forced to fulfill a contract, this feels like he owed Wild Eye a second sequel he didn’t want to make and just tossed this together with as little effort as possible. That includes recycling the new footage with a long recap montage near the end.

For a seventy-minute film Jurassic Shark 3: Seavenge feels like it goes on forever, and it shouldn’t have. Properly written the idea of putting the characters in the middle of a battle between Sharkenstien and the Jurassic Shark could have been amusing. Instead, it, and a cameo by Jeff Kirkendall (Return to Splatter Farm, Amityville Exorcism) as a Nazi scientist are tacked on at the end of the film and, just like the time I spent watching this, wasted.

Jurassic Shark 3: Seavenge is available on Digital Platforms from Wild Eye Releasing.

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